I was stuck this morning by what I believe to be a weird thought.
I wish I could have a do over on high school.
Now, that might have popped into my head because this year marks 20 years since graduation.
But I’d somehow want to do it over with a lot of the knowledge and social skills that I’ve accrued to this point in my life. Not necessarily know everything I know now, but mostly I wish I had treated some people better than I did, done more for people I cared about back then, and maybe even been a little braver when it came to things I was uncomfortable with. (I’m looking at you drama club!)
Now, we all know that hindsight comes with 20/20 vision. I’m not talking about Marty finding the sports almanac in Back to the Future 2. (Although maybe I’d like to have all the musical love I do now so I can catch my favorite bands from their inception). I wish I could live high school again with the social skills I have now, the interests I have now, and the realizations and perspective I’ve developed to this point. There are absolutely situations where I would’ve made some different choices, not necessarily to change the path that has brought me where I am, but maybe to save some time, appreciate some people more, and maybe even save my Mom and Dad a headache or two.
But think of how amazing that could be if you could go back with even just the social skills you’ve developed to this point in your life. You’d be a walking therapist for so many people who were having trouble with life at that point! I don’t mean saying things like “this is high school, it won’t even matter to you in five years” because that doesn’t actually help the guy who’s struggling with a break-up, or someone who has crippling social anxiety but just wants to be accepted, or the person who deep inside has the terrifying secret that they are gay, or trans, and there is no way in hell a high school in the late 90s is going to make shit like that easy for anyone. I remember the words “faggot, retard, gay, queer, etc.” being tossed around left and right with zero thought to the actual pain they could cause. You could legit save someone’s life.
You’d realize that when your math teacher said “yes, you’ll need the Pythagorean Theorem when you’re an adult” probably only applied to people who wanted to be scientists, engineers, or carpenters. Maybe you’d save yourself some stress. I know it would’ve been huge for me since Math was the bane of my existence.
Wanna know how dumb high school was? Someone once spread the rumor that I was a “test tube baby”. To this day I have no freaking clue what that was supposed to mean, (other than maybe in vitro fertilization was frowned upon by this one particular high school male?) but I know it came with a heavily negative connotation at the time. But that’s what middle and high school was, and I am sure, still is. You just say shit. There is no filter. So many of us didn’t have the brain capacity to intercept a thought before it turned into something we said. I am absolutely sure that I was very guilty of this. I am absolutely sure that I said things that gutted people and that made them feel tiny. I regret that. I would absolutely go back with the mindset and understanding I have now and rectify that bullshit.
Understandably so, our middle-school and high school years are where we really start to figure out the very beginnings of who we are. But like I said above there are things I look back on that I did or said, cringe, and believe that couldn’t be farther from who I am. I think it’s much harder to be a kid in our current age of social media, cell phones, and unrealistic expectations put on adolescents by the society that those first two things have created. Our middle and high school kids have so much more shit to deal with on a daily basis. As my niece Ava and nephew Jack grow up, (she’s an 8th grader, he’s a 5th grader), I hope and pray that they can navigate these choppy seas that are adolescence in the 2020s.
This post isn’t about negativity, or regret though. As I write it and as I think about it, I just want to express some gratitude for some people who had a big impact on my time back at Saranac, and had a hand in teaching me something about life, whether they were a teacher or classmate. I think too often we don’t tell people how much they mean to us and then sometimes it’s too late.
I look back fondly on some truly indelible things that are forever etched in my memory and make me smile to this day. It’s funny to know these people now by different last names, but we’ll go back in time a little for this sappy love letter to some of my high school friends.
-Brandi White, your sweater in Spanish class with those huge puff balls. I have no idea why that came into my head, but I feel like it was such a personification of the bright and positive force that you were! Thanks for being you!
-Cristi LeClair, I look back and realize you were truly one of my best friends. We shared so much real talk on the phone, watching Braveheart, etc. Going hard against each other in basketball on the playground. So much fun. Thank you for everything.
-Jess Lashua, you were one of the few people who never hesitated to call me on my shit. I was lucky enough to be one of the popular kids, and probably got a way with a lot because of it, but you were always there to keep me straight, even if I didn’t wanna hear it. Thank you.
-Luke Sanger, much like Brandi above, I just remember you being this effervescently positive and energetic guy who you couldn’t help smile around. You are still like that! I loved the competitor you were in sports, and really felt like we had that sense of drive and duty when it came to a team in common. Thanks for being you man, to this day.
-Kati Topel, you truly were a kindred spirit of mine. I feel like we instantly clicked, and I had such an amazing time learning about you and your culture back in Germany, making fun of your attempts at difficult American phrases and pronunciations, and being on the cross-country team with you. Thank you so much!
-Marta Tomas, in a similar vein as Kati, I will never ever forget you taking the time at lunch and study hall to help me try to figure out my math homework. You were super patient, super kind, and an absolutely blessing that probably helped me pass the class! Thank you!
-Mr. Jeff Ehrlich, you weren’t my guidance counselor officially, but I, like a million others I am sure, felt like you were EVERYONE’S guidance counselor. When I flunked out of freshman year, you were the first person I thought of going to for help, and you went above and beyond for me to get me back on the correct path. I will never, ever forget that. You are a great, great, great man. Thank you.
-Nikol (HA) Mattila, you were. and I am sure still are, one of the sweetest and most genuine people I have ever met. I remember middle school study hall chats in the hallway about significant others and about crap we both went through in school. You were such a big help. Thank you.
-Katie Weinberg, where do I even start? Much like Jess, you never hesitated to call me on my shit, so thank you for that. We went through a lot of ups and downs, some silly feuds, some feuds that were in good fun (mostly about your Yankee fandom and the merits of soccer as a sport, which I’ve done a full 180 on, you’d be happy to know), and some really silly antics in art class. I remember one of us pissing off Mr. Perry by pushing a pencil through the screen or something. LOL. I also remember excellent birthday parties at your camp on Chazy Lake. Sitting on docks, laying in hammocks, and sleeping on floors. I miss it for sure. Thank you!
Cassie Alexander, I look back and cherish picking you up every morning for school. I remember great conversations about running, relationships, and everything in between. I was always inspired by your grit and determination as a competitor, and was truly in awe of your positive and fun-loving spirit. Thank you.
-Aaron and Jessica Matoon. I don’t think I can ever fully put into words how much I looked up to you both because of your boundless kindness, empathy, and athleticism. There is so much of your mom’s amazing spirit in the both of you. I greatly miss you guys. Thank you both for being who you were and are.
-Matt Dashnaw, dude, having gym class with you as a freshman when you were a senior, Boy Scouts, I just remember every single interaction with you being one where I felt like I was talking with the kindest guy I’d ever met. I remember you being super helpful with sports, in the Scouts, and overall just being a fantastic human being who I looked up to big-time. Thank you so much.
-Sarah Paul, I remember “meeting” you on AOL (wow, how crazy does that sound at this point) because you had SCS cross-country in your profile and I was like “I don’t know this girl, who is she?” Hahahaha. Thank you (and your Mom!) so so so much for being so supportive over the years in XC and track. You truly ended up being one of the sweetest people I knew, and one of my absolute favorites. Thanks for everything.
-Bret Rock, thank you for being my rock throughout the awkwardest years anyone can go through. Your house always felt like a second home, and I truly see you to this day as a brother. I cherish the memories of football sims, all-nighters being GMs of whatever sport with Kyle, and then me going to do the paper route and coming back to continue. I cherish the goofiest of Ouija board sessions, swatting fucking bats with a broom in the basement of your unfinished house, Redford Bowls, and trampoline WWE matches. Thanks for everything, my brother.
This is hardly a comprehensive list. I could go on, and on, and on, but I don’t think that’d be an entertaining read for any of you if it ended up being tens of thousands of words. Let me just leave you all with this…
…be excellent to one another. Remember that we have no idea what other people are going through just by looking at them. Be a positive force of nature every single day. Make someone smile. Make someone laugh. Tell someone you appreciate them. You could be the difference. I know everyone I listed above was for me.
There are no take backsies. We are only guaranteed the moments we are in.
Make them count.
everything, etc. 